The Mayor of Uboldo’s making fun at those “traumatised” by the snow

A post on Facebook makes fun of the snow falling over Varese Province (particularly from Gallarate northwards). The author of the “anti-panic” comments is Uboldo’s Mayor, Lorenzo Guzzetti, who posted on his Facebook page the 19 rules to follow to survive a “snowfall of 2 cm”; the rules are for his fellow citizens, but could be for any town in Italy.

Schools won’t be closed, snowploughs won’t be required, it’s not necessary to stock up on food as if a war had started, and, most importantly, snow tyres alone won’t prevent accidents if you’re naturally a danger behind the wheel.

The post is already doing the rounds of social notice boards in the Varese area. Here, we publish the rules in full.

“The forecast for the coming hours and coming days is for a few snowflakes, even in our area, which, fortunately for us, is unlikely to be struck by the same phenomena that our friends in central and southern Italy have had to endure.

Here are a few recommendations.

1) It’s winter. Snow happens. Take it as fact.

2) Snow is water. Water melts.

3) If it’s necessary to spread salt, we’ll spread it. You won’t see the salt. You can discover why by cooking a plate of pasta.

4) In Sydney, where they’re playing an ATP tournament, it’s summer.

5) They’ve forecast a maximum of 2 cm of snow. The snowploughs don’t come out unless there’s at least 5 cm. Accept it. Either you clean it, or we’ll wait until it thaws, like they do in St. Petersburg; there, this happens on 10 May.

6) There are lots of “class representatives”. If we reckon on 2 representatives per class, as many as 80 people might ask me, “Will you close the schools, tomorrow?” Anyone who asks should expect to be told where they can put their question.

7) To avoid asking me this question, don’t think you can ask: Mazzu, Paola, Sonia, Marco or their husbands/wives. You won’t get an answer by going round the obstacle. You’ll just get the same result as in the above point (see point 6).

8) And it’s useless writing to my sister in law. She’s well prepared and knows that certain messages shouldn’t be sent when “uncle is working”.

9) For 2 cm of snow, you don’t need come into the classroom in an SUV. The children will still be cold (see point 1). The children will get wet feet (see point 2).

10) Abolish WhatsApp parent groups until next 21 March next.

11) If you don’t have snow tyres, stay at home.

12) If you don’t have snow tyres and you’re a public menace even on 10 August, stay at home until 31 July. It’s going to snow until then.

13) If you don’t have snow tyres and you never use the car, it’s not a good reason to take it out of the garage to go to Auchan or Esselunga to stock up on food. It’s snow, not a nuclear war.

14) If you have an elderly person in the house, it’s not necessary for them to do a balancing act on the bicycle to get to the cemetery. The residents aren’t moving, and they can wait.

15) Don’t make compulsive calls to the council until late into the evening, like two years ago. The ratio is always 10,800 to 1. Imagine being that 1 before you say/do anything.

16) If it should snow some more, don’t worry; you don’t need to write your opinion on what you would do. We don’t care.

17) Look, whatever happens, from nothing to a blizzard, Sandrino and/or the opposition forces gathered will say we could have done better and more. They’re right. They’re always right. But I really couldn’t give a damn. And I’m telling you beforehand.

18) My trusted weatherman doesn’t make a mistake for the Palio. When he writes “it’s going to rain”, it rains. He told me “2 cm”. So, 2 cm it will be. He’s hardly going to get it right only for the Palio!

19) What Alfonso says is always true: “Incazas no, tant la nef la sa daslengua” (Don’t get angry; sooner or later, the snow will melt).