VareseNews’s invented horoscope: No. 2

CICAP, the Italian committee for the investigation of claims on the paranormal, says it is all nonsense, that what is written in horoscopes is just silly, or at most, general statements of common sense. All the same, the most popular astrologers have become stars in their own right. And so, we decided, basically, that we could invent a horoscope, produced by our own “trusted astrologer”. After part zero, which appeared on New Year’s Day, here is the first “official” horoscope. The “Horoscope for the week, invented by VareseNews” is guaranteed to have been produced without the input of any expert; it is the work of the Astrologer Falanghina, whose inspiration comes, not from the stars, but from good wine.

Aries

It’s time to get going again after the festivities. But then again, there’s no point in telling you this, you’ve been at the starting blocks for days now …

Taurus

You ate too much during the Christmas holidays, so you should dedicate this week to physical exercise. Or at least, you should start thinking about it …

Gemini

Unease is a state of mind for you, irrespective of what happens. Bear this in mind when you think the world is out of control.

Cancer

Memories can be lovely, but they can also be rather intrusive. Don’t fight them, but don’t be overwhelmed by them either.

Leo

So much energy needs to be channelled if it is to be positive. Decide in which direction you want to apply it – work, health, love – and act. It’ll work.

Virgo

Dreams are lovely, but they’re not real; this might be self-evident, but sometimes it’s necessary to be reminded.

Libra

The Christmas festivities put your sense of aesthetics to the test. But relax, it won’t take much to get back to how it was before.

Scorpio

More than previous years, this new year brings the feeling of new life. Embrace it, it’ll do you good.

Sagittarius

Your love of good food was satisfied during the festivities. Now, it’s a good idea to move on to your second favourite activity: physical exercise, whatever form you decide this should take …

Capricorn

My word, a concrete person like you is extremely tender this week. Don’t waste time wondering why, just enjoy this curious sensation.

Aquarius

You’re rather distracted this week; are the festivities still in the air?

Pisces

How many thoughts going through your mind … too many, they’re distracting you. Use whatever means to get back on the right track. Don’t lose sight of reality.